How to Know If You’re Gay?

Alex Quinnon 3 days ago

We often assume love is straightforward. Like a clear river flowing from point A to B.
But when it comes to love—especially who we love—many people find that it’s not a river at all, but a fog.

Many spend a lifetime asking a question that seems simple, but is deeply private and complex:

“Am I gay?”

This isn’t a question you answer in 30 seconds. It’s not something solved with a quick online test.
It requires courage. It takes time. It’s a journey of self-exploration—not just choosing a label.

Let’s talk about that path—a path that often winds through fear, shame, avoidance, and struggle, but that may ultimately lead to freedom, self-acceptance, and love.

1. What Is Sexual Orientation? Are We Asking “Who Do I Love” or “Who Am I Becoming”?

Sexual orientation refers to a person’s emotional, romantic, and sexual attraction toward others. It’s not simply defined by actions, but by the direction of your inner feelings.

The World Health Organization stated clearly in its classification:

“Homosexuality is a natural variation of human sexuality and should not be regarded as a mental disorder or disease.”
— World Health Organization, 1992, ICD-10

In other words, whoever you're drawn to emotionally or sexually—that’s part of normal human diversity.

Sexual orientation isn’t binary. It’s a spectrum. American sexologist Alfred Kinsey proposed this idea in 1948 with the famous Kinsey Scale, ranging from 0 to 6:

0: Exclusively heterosexual
6: Exclusively homosexual
The intermediate numbers reflect mixed inclinations

Kinsey found in his research that around 37% of men and 13% of women had at least one significant same-sex experience in their lives. The spectrum is broader and more varied than we often assume.

2. Why Are You Questioning If You Might Be Gay?

Doubt often arises from real feelings.

You may have had romantic feelings for someone of the same sex—maybe brief, maybe recurring. You might feel physical curiosity, dreams, or fantasies. Or perhaps you’re in a heterosexual relationship that feels emotionally hollow or unfulfilling.

Some say: “I don’t dislike the opposite sex, but I’ve never really felt emotionally involved.” That emotional absence can often be the starting point of self-doubt.

You’re not inventing a problem.
You’re trying to be honest.

3. Can Online Tests Tell Me My Sexuality?

Search “Am I gay?” online and you’ll find dozens of quizzes: “10-Question Gay Test,” “Kinsey Survey,” “LGBTQ+ Spectrum Quiz,” and more.

These tests can be tools for self-reflection, but they are not diagnostic instruments.

As the American Psychological Association (APA) notes in its guide Understanding Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity:

“Sexual orientation is not determined by behavior, fantasy, or one-time emotional experiences. It’s a pattern of enduring inner attraction.”

So yes—take a quiz. But don’t expect it to give you the answer.
True understanding comes not from waiting for a result, but from actively listening to yourself.

4. The Five Stages of Self-Discovery: From Doubt to Acceptance

Psychologist Vivienne Cass proposed a well-known framework in 1979 called the Cass Identity Model, which outlines six stages in the process of sexual identity development:

Identity Confusion – Wondering whether you might be different
Identity Comparison – Beginning to recognize how you differ from others
Identity Tolerance – Accepting that you might be gay
Identity Acceptance – Starting to affirm this truth internally
Identity Pride – Feeling pride, often accompanied by coming out
Identity Synthesis – Integrating orientation into a full sense of self

Not everyone follows this path in order. Some pause. Some loop back.
This is not a test—it’s a journey.

5. Ways to Explore Your Feelings

1. Write a Letter to Yourself

Not an email, but a handwritten letter. Write down moments of confusion, people who made your heart race, things that scared you, relationships you’ve longed for.

2. Envision Your Future

Imagine your ideal life ten years from now. Who’s beside you? Are you free? Are you hiding something? Is that future based on who you want to be—or who you’re told to be?

3. Read Real Stories, Seek Resonance

Watch films like Call Me by Your Name, Blue Is the Warmest Color, or Prayers for Bobby. Read coming-out stories. Do you recognize yourself in any of them?

4. Talk to Someone You Trust

You don’t have to “come out.” You don’t even need a label. You can simply say: “I’ve been thinking about something.”
That’s enough.

6. Family, Culture, and Fear

Let’s be honest.

If you live in an environment unfriendly to LGBTQ+ people, your questioning is not just about “love”—it’s about safety.

You may fear rejection from your family, mockery from friends, or discrimination from society. These fears are real. And they shouldn’t be dismissed.

But remember: Who you are does not lose value just because someone else fails to understand it.

From Harvey Milk to Ellen DeGeneres, from countless unknown individuals to every rainbow flag during Pride Month, the world is changing.
You don’t have to be a fighter.
You just have to be yourself.

7. If You Don’t Know—That’s Okay

The world pushes us to “figure out who we are” quickly. But sometimes, not knowing is its own kind of honesty.

You can say: “I’m unsure.”
You can say: “I’m exploring.”
You can say nothing at all—and simply listen to that quiet voice inside.

Love isn’t a declaration—it’s a movement toward something. A movement toward what feels true.

8. What You Need Isn’t a Conclusion—But a Companion

If you’ve made it this far, please remember this:

You are not alone.

According to a 2023 Pew Research Center global study, about 5–7% of people openly identify as LGBTQ+. That doesn’t include many more who are still questioning or undisclosed.

You can take your time. You can pause. You can change course.
Sexual orientation is not all that you are—but as you learn to love others, may you also learn to love yourself.